From exploring the great outdoors, preparing exotic cuisine or persuing the hundreds of TV channels from your multi-media center, the options for leisure time in the modern world seem limitless. So, what’s right for you? Take this CNN.com quiz and find out which hobbies best suit your personality.

I will try to be as non-biased, yet truthful as I can in answering the following objectively subjective questions:

1. You prefer to be:

In the garden – no way. I would have to “garden” as punishment as a child. I love California because this luxury is an affordable commodity here.
Learning something new – Sure. I feel like I learn something every day.
In another country – This is like “learning something new” on a serious aerobic program. I am not averse to going to other countries, it’s just that you can never spend enough time there.
In front of your computer – I can only take so much of this a day. Sometimes 18 hours of the day, if I am learning something new. This leads me to give weight to learning vs. computer because I can learn something new out in public, where my computer is nowhere in sight leaving my computer under the umbrella of learning.
At a museum – The parking is a nightmare. I would go with the right date, though.
At a park – I like throwing around the football or playing basketball, but I spend more nights at home.
Cooking something – I eat a lot of fast food.

The answer : Learning Something New, which should be old news to you by now.

2. Of these shows, the one you prefer is:

“Biography” – Usually I am uninterested in the subject.
“Rachael Ray” – I hear she’s soon to be single. (Call me, Rachel. I would make a great househusband.)
“Mission Organization” – I don’t even know what this is.
“National Geographic Explorer” – I watch this show a lot. I like the ones about insects, gangs, and prisons. Make more of those.
“The Suze Orman show” – Just because I know the source of the answers, I choose to allow failure to allow me to wallow in my ignorance. There is no way I would watch this. I might TIVO it, for my own good, but I would never watch it.
A baseball game – If I am working in the evening, this is the ideal background noise. This is why I have to read the sports section in the morning to find out what really happened.
“WIRED Science” – I haven’t heard of this one, either.

Answer : National Geographic Explorer

3. You like to read:

Self-improvement guides – I could care less. Tuesdays with Morrie is too drippy for even this Peter King fan.
“Lonely Planet” – Never heard of it
Blogs about gadgets – I have too many celebrity blogs to check to fit these into my viewing schedule.
Poetry – Only with a girl. Unless I have to bust a flow, and that I could never do, but we were talking about reading.
Cook books – More knowledge to wallow and never be executed in the vast wasteland of my unconscience mind.
“Real Simple” – No
“Sports Illustrated” – I like their website. I read through their magazine too quickly (usually within three restroom visits).

Answer : Sports Illustrated

4. To relieve stress, you:

Do yoga – I really do have a fear of public farting
Paint or sculpt – Never
Get on the road – I live in California… where am I gonna go? I miss the Midwest in that way.
Do yard work – Not even if you paid me
Cook your favorite dish – My favorite dish is from a restaurant
Play video games – I think I grew out of this phase. I just like to play Madden or NHL and the one friend that I have that has an XBox hates sports games.
Play touch football – Only if I can be a qb

Answer : With no clear cut answer, I’ll go with the cooking.

5. The most important feature for a weekend cabin is:

Wireless networking – Nice, but not necessary
Nearby hiking trail – If by hiking trail, you mean identifiable thorough way. I’ve seen too many movies like Wolf Creek to not to want at least this connection to civilization.
Isolation from others – Never
State-of-the-art kitchen – I like this idea of roughing it
Unique location – I like this idea. Unless the location is Darfur.
A reading nook – If you are by yourself this is a requirement. If you are with someone else, it becomes a potential instrument of pleasure.
Nice furniture – Does a nice kitchen, wifi, and unique location both require nice furniture in my estimation? Yes, they do.

Answer : Nice Furniture. Especially the bed.

6. Your favorite accessory is:

Your athletic cleats – Don’t own any
Your food processor – Don’t own one
Your iPod – Ditto
Your tool belt – Don’t own one
Your passport – Don’t have one
Your camera – On my phone
Your yoga mat – See the above reasons for avoiding Yoga

Answer: By virtue of ownership, I am forced to answer camera in fear of perpetuating an Asian stereotype. Why couldn’t they have included biceps, or delts in the choices?
7. If you could do any other job, it would be as:

An airline pilot – I fear heights
A novelist – If my novels didn’t stink, then yes.
An interior designer – No way
A chef – Too repetitive. Cooking should be a sensual exercise between two or more willing and legal partners expressed with potential and intense connection and feeling. I could never whore out my feelings like that by doing it for anyone and everyone for money, cough.
A soccer player – This would be fun
A teacher – Not in a million years
A Web designer – This would require too much discipline from me

Answer : A soccer player. Plus, as a bonus, I would be hot.

8. Your favorite Web site is:

Foodnetwork.com
ESPN.com – Not my favorite, but close enough.
Fodors.com
Blogger.com
Match.com
Marthastewart.com
CNET.com

The Answer : ESPN.com, but I like Deadspin.com a lot more.

9. If money were no object, you would:

Climb Mount Everest – You have to be crazy to do this for fun.
Visit the Dalai Lama – I would have to research what they eat in that part of the world before I decide any further.
Start a record label – I would be too afraid of meeting Suge Knight.
Travel around the world – Let me think about this one a little bit. At first it sounds like a fantastic idea, but what happens if you have a “Bedazzled” moment and you don’t have enough money for some convoluted insurance-related caused you to end up in a Hostel the Movie situation. No es bueno.

Open a restaurant – I worked as a Friendly’s employee in high school. It was enough to let me know that I did not want to run a business like this. This was later reinforced with a disastrous stint as a waiter in a Mexican restaurant.
Remodel your house – I would have to be out of other options
Set up a home theater system – This would be pretty ideal

Answer : Set up a home theater system. This is a gift to myself that would keep on giving.

10. Of the following movies, your favorite is:

“Tron” – I liked the video game better.
“Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” – Better Book
“Around the World in 80 Days” – Never saw it
“Good Will Hunting” – Not bad, but I have a rule against liking anything with Robin Williams.
“Field of Dreams” – The same rule must apply to Kevin Costner because I never seem to like anything he’s in , either.
“The Money Pit” – When you give up a prime role in a hit television show to make movies, sometimes this is the result.
“Amadeus” – Great movie.

Answer : Amadeus. Why? It’s a great movie.

11. Your favorite board game is:

Risk – I have to admit to have never played this game. When people talk about the board game, I have to nod along and pretend I know what they are talking about.
Pictionary – This is a fun game. Someone once tried to draw “rank” as a fart.
Hungry Hungry Hippo – I can’t see two adults playing this game without a kid involved.
Trivial Pursuit – I like this game a lot.
Life – I don’t like this game because I can’t forgive the title for the way it’s namesake has treated me.
Battleship – Not much variation as the amounts of contests progress.
You’d rather be outside – Summer is for spending time indoors in the air-conditioning. You’re welcome Mother Earth.

Answer : Trivial Pursuit

12. Your friends describe you as:

Curious – Maybe
Wonky – Doesn’t this mean something demeaning in British Slang? If the answer is yes, than probably.
Athletic – Not so much anymore.
Restless – I sometimes challenge myself by laying down for hours, even if I don’t have to.
Hungry – No more than anyone else. Maybe even less so.
Inspired – Take a look around. No.
Handy – I once tried to change my own oil and drained my transmission fluid. Since then I have vowed to stay away from anything I don’t understand. I don’t understand work. Especially Handy work. Electricity stirs a deep fear within me.
Answer : What the hell. Wonky. I must be to have admitted what I did in Handy.

13. Your favorite store is:

Michael’s – No
Whole Foods – Hell No
The Apple Store – There isn’t one near me, but if there was I would probably never go to it.
American Tourister – Not sure what this store is.
Home Depot – I try to never go to that consumer trap.
REI – I don’t live in Alaska anymore
Border’s – I read a lot of books

Answer : Books

14. Stranded on a desert island, what could you not live without?

Golf clubs – I would eventually lose all my balls
Skillet – Handy in an outdoor environment
Crazy glue – What the hell for? You can probably get a better buzz from the fauna of the island.
Laptop – What for? You’re on a desert island.
Measuring tape – In a situation like this, vanity be damned.

Binoculars – Another possibility. Is the possibility of rescue a factor in this scenario? I’m assuming so.

Evening classes – I don’t see what this has to do with anything.

Answer : Skillet

15. What’s your pet peeve?

Too much salt – I am tolerant of this
Flashing HTML – This does suck
Writer’s block – Not when quizzes are involved

Rainy days – I actually like them unless I have to do a lot of driving
Bad directions – Always confirm directions with another service
Weeds in the lawn – Are the weeds a cash crop?

Indecision -Never bite the hand that feeds ideas for future mockery

Answer: Bad Directions. Sometimes two places can be wrong about the same thing.

It was a “tie”, forcing me to alter the following questions:

2. Of these shows, the one you prefer is:

“Biography”
“Rachael Ray”
“Mission Organization”
“National Geographic Explorer”
“The Suze Orman show”
A baseball game – Forced to change the answer to this.
“WIRED Science”

The Result?

OUTDOOR

You can’t be cooped up! People like you need to breathe fresh air and commune with nature. Feeling the dirt, rocks, water or sand beneath your feet and hands and having the wind in your face makes you feel alive. You’ll take the outdoors any way you can get it, whether you’re dangling from ropes, paddling a boat or speeding down the countryside on a dirt bike. You might like hobbies like spelunking, motocross, hiking, deep sea diving, white water rafting, ultimate Frisbee or other outdoor team sports.

And yet I aspire to become a writer. I feel so un-centered right now. I suspect it was question #14 that did me in. Maybe I should have answered Laptop.

Am I in denial if I disagree with the results of this quiz?

I let the cat of the bag on my last blog in professing an amount of fondness towards the Harry Potter franchise. But do am I really a fan of Harry Potter? Let’s find out together.

Ultimate Harry Potter Pop Quiz

Which ghost is not tied to a specific house at Hogwarts?

Peeves the Poltergeist? Damn, I was right. What’s worse is they called me a Whiz Kid. Whatever. 1/1

In Goblet of Fire, which of the following is not a solution to the Underwater Rescue Challenge?

I’m guessing Snorklepuss Charm? I swear I’m not being all cocky an acting like a dummy. I’m really guessing.

And I’m right, I’m still a Whiz Kid. 2/2
In Half-Blood Prince, the Amortentia potion smells like all but one of the following:

I don’t even remember where in the sequence Half-Blood Prince is. I guessed wrong, and not on purpose, but the answer was Chocolate Frog, everybody. Chocolate Frog. 2/3

Which one of these is not an unforgivable curse?

Once again I guess wrong by going for the most complicated looking answer due to my stereotypical belief that British authors are good at writing gibberish. Patronus was the answer here. I think it was the spell that fought off the Azkaban prison guards. I would look it up, but when you are looking to prove your ignorance on a subject, that is a bad idea. 2/4

Which of these has Hagrid not kept as a pet?

Basilisk is the right answer and I got it correct. Everybody knows that, don’t they? 3/5

What number does Arthur Weasley dial at the London telephone box for access to Ministry Magic?

I was presented with a series of numbers. I reasoned through them by guessing that MAGIC was the most likely answer for whatever reason. I would rule at Wheel of Fortune. MAGIC on a telephone pad is 62442. An entire generation of texters are being bred through literature.

I think one of the signs of getting old is the refusal to abbreviate my texts. I refuse to type l8r as in c u l8r. I spell out the whole damn thing. Is this behavior enough to sue the public school system for systematically mentally boxing me into certain outdated behaviors? Or did the infusion and strong mental impression of the “traditional” value of rules and order do the job of a public school system in preparation for insertion into a Democratic Society?

62442. If you didn’t have to use your phone to confirm this, you are as bad as I am, so no judging. Moving on… 4/6

Which of these is not a candy in the Harry Potterverse?

I guessed wrong again here. The answer was Barking Beagle Bites. I was thinking that the Korean market was a lucrative one for the publishers and maybe product placement was the goal, but I doubt it. 4/7
As of Half-Blood Prince, which of the following characters has never received a Howler?

Draco Malfoy, of course. His father would never yell publicly at his protege. In a weird way, the bad guy might be setting the good example here… 5/8

Which of these ingredients is needed to make the Draught of Living Death?

The answer was Asphodel. Phonetically I considered it the finest choice and that equals Fred getting the correct answer. 6/9

In what Edinburgh cafe did Rowling write much of first Harry Potter book?

Nicolson’s, apparently. Every time I get one of these wrongs, I get told that I am cursed. Yeah, tell me about it… 6/10

Mary GrandPre, the illustrator of the US editions of the Harry Potter books, also worked on which of these films:

Man, I hate animation movies. I don’t even like anime. Yet, I love reading comic books. This type of acutely specific mental niche creation that is the dark side of a culture driven by a marketing driven media. The answer was Antz and nope, never seen it. 6/11

Which of the following is not the name of a quidditch position?

I guessed (I am taking this damn thing live. My journalistic integrity demands that I present the honest picture and the truth here is that I am guessing.) Sweeper and was given some positive affirmation. 7/12
And just like that the quiz ends. There is nothing else, so I have to tabulate my own results. What a gyp.

7/12 – I feel ashamed of myself right now. 7/12 would be a passing grade on a quiz about details of books I haven’t read in years. It’s not like any were close to being the last book I have read, either. To save some face, I am going to have to attribute my score to a temporary remarkable ability to take a pop quiz. I like that better.

Football is around the corner! A friend of mine bragged about how he bought his magazine for the year. I started to mock him until he reminded me that he makes the playoffs every year and I have compiled a record of just 2 games over .500 over the last three years. Ouch. I will obstinately refuse, of course, to buy one of these overpriced hype mags and will probably continue to contribute scarce, personal funds to the league till.

There seems to be some sort of correlation to the mediocrity of my performance in the league and my mediocre performance on the field of life, but following trends is for suckers. At least, that’s what my bookie tells me. He drives a nice car. This is why I stay in my room and read. I can’t hurt myself that way…

Where was I? Mediocrity… no. Oh yeah, Football. Fantasy Football. For all you beginners out there, you can never, ever think of fantasy football like you think about regular game-by-game NFL football. The twain shall never meet.

If you look at a lot of experts lists about who the best quarterback of all time was, John Elway is in most top 3′s. If he was your fantasy quarterback and you took him high because of the high name value, you were screwed. As good lookin’ as he was, he sucked as a fantasy qb. This is good advice. It also means don’t believe everything you see based on brand recognition. If you are this type of person, there are a lot of people worried about you if you have recently purchased Colgate toothpaste.

But the Chinese Government took care of that situation, didn’t they? And in conclusion… Remember what we talked about here.

Here is some other stuff I have been thinking about lately. Interesting stuff with lots of important life lessons involved:

11 Movies Saved By Historical Inaccuracy. If you think about it, this is equivalent to telling a kid that Santa doesn’t exist to a young adult. Kirsten Dunst looks kind of good as Marie Antoinette. She has Don King’s teeth in that picture.

Stadium Etiquette rules at their most basic level. He mentions nothing about wearing the other teams’ jersey to the stadium of any game. Some other guy is going to somehow take it as a personal affront and that is never a good first impression whenever alcohol is involved.

If you get a job or have one, consider this a dangerous benefit for management in a company. That sort of thing shouldn’t be too difficult on a company intranet. If you work for a health insurance company, moral imperative compels you to quit and begin to use your powers for the good side of the Force. I say this because these kinds of stories are becoming far too common.

I tried to execute this plan throughout my teen years and all I got from my effort was a lot of self-created and unresolved angst.

One time at the fancy restaurant in town, somebody made a reservation under the name “Donald Dick”. These wedding announcements are almost as funny.

On a lighter note, don’t cheat on your significant other, women really hate it when you lie to them. They also hate it when you do something bad. When you do something bad and lie about it? You are dealing with a situation that a break up only makes worse. Nice going dummy.

I admit to having read all of the Harry Potter Novels. The first two were kind of rough, but they really picked up after that. What I like best about them is how the author has created a nefarious adult societal structure, explores the role of children in such societies, presents a realistic view of the historical notion of justice and it’s place in the modern world, and I am trying to show off in case Emma Watson reads this. She’s dreamy.

What I like about this article on stereotypes is “beautiful people have more daughters”. It looks like I’m going to have a lot of sons.

Until then, meditate on this (also referenced below) as I will until my bag of marijuana is depleted:

The Seven Blunders of the World is a list that Mahatma Gandhi gave to his grandson Arun Gandhi, written on a piece of paper, on their final day together, not too long before his assassination.[1] The seven blunders are:

* Wealth without work
* Pleasure without conscience
* Knowledge without character
* Commerce without morality
* Science without humanity
* Worship without sacrifice
* Politics without principle

This list grew from Gandhi’s search for the roots of violence. He called these acts of passive violence. Preventing these is the best way to prevent oneself or one’s society from reaching a point of violence.

When you look at untold amounts of web pages in a day, it is impossible not to come across pictures of women that make you feel glad to be a man, a little dirty for being a man, or both.

I don’t think I am creepy, though. I mean, if you take a look at this article, I am almost a perfect male specimen. I don’t beat women, I don’t drink, and am most definitely not a workaholic. Still, I get a feeling that things won’t work out. I wonder if this girl is still looking? I was always attracted to tomboys, but it turns out that these girls tend to outgrow having fun while getting dunked on by a fat Asian in basketball or catching bullets from his laser, rocket arm. Life can be cruel.

I remember when I was in High School there was this guy who was unbelievable unattractive, yet the women flocked to him like the Salmon of Capistrano. You don’t believe me? These men exist right before our very eyes! What does this have to do with anything? Nothing, but damn if I don’t find this fact of life especially frustrating.

The best thing about this article is how every item ends with an exclamation mark. I felt like I was reading a Batman Comic! If you were ever interested in how to easily make your hearing more acute or improving your memory in one easy step before bed the article is definitely for you(!). I’ll be trying out the advice and will let you know how it goes, but from past experience #9 is a load of crap.

Are you hankering for an explanation why somebody named Mark is more likely to be more popular with the fairer sex than someone named, oh, Fred? Wonder why Alexa conjures up more exotic fantasies than Wanda? I always thought it was because I was fat, dumb, and ugly, but there is an actual working thesis as to why this is. Thank you author of this article. You might have taken away a legitimate beef with my parents (so-called genes) and replaced it with something I can really sink my teeth into scientifically (phonetics). And that, my friends, is spending quality time with your computer!

80′s Stars and Coaching Comparisons – Steff, king of high-school power elite from Pretty in Pink = USC coach Pete Carroll? How come I never realized this before?!?! I do think that the guy from Cobra Kai got a raw deal here, though….

Dutch Troops’ ‘Tude Helping Afghan Poppies Bloom? – Those Dutch have an interesting perspective on politics, but I find myself a little giddy that it always seems to be drugs that are their hot button. Hey, it’s better than perpetuating the slave trade.

I’ve decided that I am now a Buddhist. Why? You can’t seek enlightenment while sitting in rush hour traffic, that’s why. Here is a nice little ditty about why Buddha’s ears are so long. (Hint: It’s not because Buddha was trying to show his support for ending Apartheid by not buying gold. I was wrong in this assessment, but it seemed Buddha-like. Right?)

I was doing some career earnings research and was completely unglued by what I read here. Every time I dare to dream….

Most people don’t believe in spending money unnecessarily and this article is for them. What I learned is that you should never, ever, order the special at a restaurant on a Sunday.

How We Get Addicted is a long read, but it’s always nice to read articles that allow you to place blame on anything but yourself when it comes to your actions. I’m not saying that an addicted person might or might not have a genetic predisposition towards that addiction, I’m just saying that it takes three weeks to form a habit. Or break one. This is why I haven’t kept a regular job in years and I accept FULL responsibility.

My Simpsons love has always been a bit tempered by the fact that Matt Groening was brutal in his treatment of the Broncos. This article does a nice job of listing said episodes.

I had a friend who disappeared for weeks after the death of Kurt Cobain. My friends and I searched high and low for him convinced that he went to Seattle to be a part of the festivities there. It turns out he was spending time in the two places we would never look: In Class and at the Library. In other interesting news from lives and deaths of Rock and Roll icons, I remain somewhat confused how awesome this was as a way to die.

The NAACP continues to try to remain relevant by holding funeral services for the N-Word. I hope it works better than the time I tried to get the fellas to stop calling me “FiFi” by holding a funeral for the nickname. It didn’t work and I doubt that this funeral will either.

Do you know why Canada’s greatest export is entertainers? Now you do.

Whatever what anyone might say about the human rights situation in China, they do know how to deal with the true dregs of society. I mean, this guy was taking payoffs that lead to people dying in his country! America could learn a thing or two from this…

Zach Braff’s 10 Easy Tips for Writing Films About Twenty-Somethings®. I loves me some formulaic writing. It is the product of years of reading comics.

Translation: “I am incensed. It incenses me that there is an obvious East Coast, Midwest and anti-steroid bias going on here. What? Just because I don’t play for New York (How are you going to possibly be voted in before that guy? 50K+ every game in the Bronx voting for him plus the fact that he is on every television commercial for some athletic product?) or Detroit? Thanks for supporting me Angel fans. Seriously… Julio Lugo was ahead of me.”

“Oh yeah, and thank you steroid scandal for making Leyland choose Michael Young to represent the Texas Rangers instead of some other guy.”

“But it’s not his fault. He had nothing to do with it,” Cabrera said. “He told me he couldn’t believe that I wasn’t picked.”

Cabrera actually said that last statement. It means he understands perfectly why he didn’t get chosen, and so should you, Angel fans.

To draw a bit of a parable from this situation, fans (and by fans, I am assuming we are all fans of Democracy) who do not vote should not bitch about the outcome of a popularity contest. You have to vote people! Or Michael Young is going to be ther next President of the United States! And then the War Machine shall continue to march on!

And… scene.

I voted for OC once this season. I know I went to more games than that, but still… I feel I did my part.

Racism rears its’ ugly head and the Fruit of Islam has something to say about it. Thank Allah for the Five Percent that know that the Asiatic Black Man was born with Knowledge Itself. Funny Blog if you have never read it…

There is absolutely no justice in this world. A young girl reports her coach as being sexually inappropriate towards her and somehow becomes the one who gets punished. This stuff really happens.

There is this girl who works at the local Kwik-E-Mart that has braces and I find her incredibly attractive. Next thing you know, I’ll be purchasing memberships at sites like this. I creep myself out.

Hold on for a minute…

Dear all-powerful Vishnu, please let Jessica Alba find her way to my website. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

OK, I’m back.

It’s hot so here is some good advice if you are averse to air-conditioning.

70-75% of people are extroverts? Explains all of the out of control ego at the workplace I guess.

I’m always curious to learn about those shadowy figures that act as power brokers in the real world. I aspire to be one of these people. I already have the shadowy part down pat.

Thinking as a Hobby. Why not? It’s not like thinking pays well.

A fascinating article concerning The Declaration of Independence. If you don’t like it, you can get out!

1. Please choose the option that best describes your body type.

Several choices here, but since I am an American living in God’s America I chose Overweight.

2. How often do you smoke?

I have to assume they mean tobacco cigarettes. I’m forced to answer Regularly – Multiple Times a Day. If they were talking about other kinds of cigarettes I would have answered Regularly – Multiple Times a Day. Just kidding, Mom.

3. How often do you drink alcohol?

I don’t drink. Seriously. I was like Lindsay Lohan back in the day, washed up as an alcoholic before the age of 21. She stole my shtick.

4. Do you go tanning (either outdoors or in a bed)?

God made me promise that I would never remove my shirt in public, so the answer is no.

5. Choose the option that best describes your diet

High in fat, lots of junk and fried foods. When I lived in Memphis I felt like the fat kid in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I drank deep from the river of rancid frying oil and still do.

6. How tall are you?

Average Height. At least that’s what I tell myself.

7. Do you have any rare medical disorders, such as elephantitis?

I don’t have elephantitis, my penis really is that big. However, I do suffer from any number of rare and self-diagnosed maladies that cause me to call into work. At least when I am working…

8. Are you an albino?

I wish. Then I could call myself all kinds of cool nicknames like Albino Rhino and, well, I guess that’s it.

9. Do you have any kind of hindered mobility – such as having a prostethic limb or being paraplegic?

Not yet.

10. Have you ever had your appendix removed?

Despite what I have told previous employers, no.

11. Have you ever had a hernia?

See #10.

12. How is your vision?

Less than perfect. Despite this handicap I stubbornly sat in the back of the room in college because I know girls think that’s where all of the cool kids sit. It took me seven years to graduate.

13. How frequently do you take pain relievers such as advil, ibuprofen, or codeine?

Multiple Times a Week. I take them several times a day when I am actually in pain. I consider it practice for when I make it big as an artist.

14. Do you regularly drink beverages high in sugar, such as soda or energy drinks?

I only drink beverages high in sugar. Water? Not even when it’s the only thing available. Once I was trapped in the Southern Utah desert without anything to drink. I had to squeeze water from moss to get my tongue wet. I was peeing dust. It was then and there that I swore that if I ever got out of that situation I would only drink beverages I enjoy.

15. Do you work in an environment where you might be exposed to noxious chemicals, such as lead or asbestos? This includes those who work with ceramics, lead, or processed materials.

I worked at FedEx where I was exposed to noxious and dangerous substances for five years plus whatever chemical compound Al-Queda was shipping Priority Overnight. I might not work there anymore, but I do live in Southern California and I think that still counts. Yes.

16. Have you ever been prescribed any anti-psychotic medication, such as lithium or seroquel?

Not yet. Damn. Nirvana sang about lithium and that makes it something I want to be a part of my life. Plus, lithium is the lightest metal on the Table of Elements. Hey, you never know whenever you might need that kind of information.

17. Choose the option that best describes the hair on your head.

They don’t have “Balding” as an answer so vanity dictates that I choose Very Short Hair.

18. Have you ever had any serious surgery, such as heart or intestinal surgery?

No, but I do have a cadaver’s ligament in my right knee. I requested an African-American ligament, but I think they gave me something else because I still run SLOOOOOOW. Plus, I can’t dunk a basketball. Doctors are jerks.

19. How old are you?

26-40.

20. Are you diabetic?

No, despite all of my efforts.

How much is my cadaver worth?

$4320.00The Cadaver Calculator – Find out how much your body is worth

To quote Jeff Spicolli, “Righteous Bucks!”

Because I was such a rock star, people tended to congregate around me like I was a dust bunny or something. Being the fickle person that I am, I eventually got tired of holding court and dealt with many of the trespasses mentioned in the article. Let’s take a look at how professionals deal with these problems, and then I’ll let you know what really works.

Complaint: “Things keep disappearing off my desk.”

What not to do: If you see your stapler is missing, quickly swipe someone else’s to replace it.

What to do: It’s hard to monitor your belongings when you’re away from your workspace, but you can help crack the problem when you are there. The next time someone reaches over your cubicle wall to “borrow” a sticky note or stapler, politely direct the person to the supply room. If the issue persists or goes beyond company-supplied items, you may want to talk to your manager. In the meantime, reduce the temptation for others to swipe your stuff by placing anything of value, like a favorite book or MP3 player, in a bag or purse that you take home with you each evening.

Fred’s Take: If you bring anything of value to work and you leave it unattended, expect it to disappear. Hobbesian rules of nature dictate that this will happen. I think it was Hobbes… maybe it was Ice-T. Also, if someone is taking stuff from you, never involve the authorities. Never, never snitch. That is for weak people, and you are from the streets, yo! If someone is taking stuff from your desk, simply go get it back while maintaining eye contact with the person you are taking it back from. Don’t say anything! Just maintain eye contact. If you are really cool, you’ll take something else out of spite. If that person decides that they are going to involve your boss, remember this: Deny Deny Deny. Act jovial, but never admit to anything, even if the boss saw you do it.

Complaint: “I can’t concentrate with the constant buzz around me.”

What not to do: Stand up and shout “Zip it!” at the top of your lungs.

What to do: If you’re situated in a high-traffic locale, consider bringing headphones to eliminate the sound. When you really cannot tolerate the noise, retreat to a quieter place, like an empty conference room. You may also consider speaking to your supervisor about relocating to a quieter area of the building if your productivity continues to suffer.

Fred’s Take: I agree with the author here. You should never raise your voice to anyone at work. Never. Also, try to talk your doctor into prescribing you some narcotics. Narcotics?!? At work?!?! It’s OK, trust me. The social stigma of pill popping is so 20th century. When you take enough pills, it doesn’t matter if you are trying to translate Latin at a daycare. Actually since you are zonked on some of the stuff that might or might not have killed Elvis, yeah, it will solve a lot of your problems with noise at work.

Complaint: “I respect my co-worker’s obsession with Il Divo … unfortunately, I’m not a fan.”

What not to do: Borrow your sister’s Britney Spears CD, blast ‘You Drive Me Crazy’ on repeat and hope your neighbor will get the message.

What to do: If you and your neighbor don’t share the same taste in music, even the slightest notes can strike an unpleasant chord. And competing in a sound war will only fuel the fire. The situation may be resolved with a simple request to your co-worker to use headphones. If he or she doesn’t capitulate, perhaps you can agree upon certain times — such as the late afternoon, when things have slowed down — when the person can play his or her favorite music, at a reasonable volume, of course.

Fred’s Take: Just go ahead and bite the bullet and buy some cheap headphones for the person who is getting on your nerves. Make sure you tell them in no uncertain terms that although the headphones are supposed to be on one’s head, they can also be turned sideways and stuffed somewhere uncomfortable. Make sure they understand the logic of not being able to hear music from headphones crammed in an uncomfortable area, and if the plastic on the headphones breaks during insertion, you’ll make sure to extract them slowly. When they see that you are serious, thank them politely for their consideration.

Complaint: “My workspace has become the office water cooler.”

What not to do: Join every conversation or feed the office rumor mill by relaying confidential information your co-workers disclose to you.

What to do: Make it clear that you’re not interested in participating in the conversation. For example, don headphones or let colleagues know you’re on deadline for a project and would appreciate it if they would take their conversation elsewhere.

Fred’s Take: Pass gas. If you can’t make yourself pass gas, eat a lot of broccoli and drink a lot of Pepsi. If the methane doesn’t chase them, your burps certainly will. Plus, the extra fiber will help you spend less time at your cubicle.

Complaint: “My cubicle-mate has brought ‘tuna surprise’ for lunch — again!”

What not to do: Wear strong cologne or perfume to the office hoping your “good scents” will counteract the unfortunate odors emanating from your colleague’s workspace.

What to do: While you can’t tell others what they can and cannot eat or what fragrances to wear, you can try to promote a more scent-friendly atmosphere by setting a good example yourself. Have consideration for co-workers when you choose your lunchtime meal and try to pick less-odiferous foods. If you must heat up a pungent meal, consider eating it outside. Also, don’t wear cologne, perfume or lotion that is especially strong.

Fred’s Take: No matter what you do, you can’t stop the co-worker from bringing the most disgusting food with an equally disgusting scent to work. The author of the article says to set a good example through your actions. If someone is ignorant enough to not realize that their lunch has serious ramifications to everyone else in the office, they are not going to notice your nobility. Instead, buddy up to the co-worker. If you are lucky, they will have pictures of family in their cubicle. What you do is talk to them about how they prepare their meal while staring longingly their pictures. If you do this right, they will get creeped out enough to at least eat their meal somewhere else. This works especially well if they have pictures of their children. Never say anything inappropriate! Just stare. Longingly.

Complaint: “Those ‘Baywatch’ posters and troll dolls have to go!”

What not to do: Deface office decorations with a marker (think moustaches and eyeglasses).

What to do: While it’s OK — and even recommended by some employers — to personalize one’s cubicle with artwork and photographs to enliven the workspace, it’s not OK to go overboard. If a co-worker displays an item that you find distracting, let the person know — he or she may take it down after hearing of the distress it’s causing you. If images are offensive, approach your manager or a human resources representative with the problem.

Fred’s Take: If someone else’s stuff is getting under your skin that much, you need to get over yourself. Why are you so worried about other people’s stuff? Worry about yourself and everything is going to be alright.

I don’t always conduct myself in a manner that would make anyone who knows me proud, but sometimes you have to level the playing field of workplace ignorance. These methods I have shown you are highly effective and if you have friends in the office, can be used as a team for an exponential increase in effectiveness. Plus, it’s funny to pick on people who deserve it.

One year I was transferring from Urbana, IL to Anchorage, AK when I was working for FedEx. This was back in the day when FedEx employees had the benefit of flying for free anywhere FedEx flies, if you could reserve a seat on the plane. It was a great thing, but that damn Al-Qaeda went and ruined that little benefit for everyone. Thanks guys. That night I was flying into Chicago and it also happened to be the Fourth of July. It was pretty darn cool seeing all of those fireworks from the air. Knowing that most pilots used to fly for the military, I was a little nervous that the captain was going to have a George Zipp type of meltdown, but I was lucky that night. It was nice to be able to catch a firework show without having to navigate hours of traffic and hordes of people. Now that was cause for a celebration.

Here’s hoping that at least once today you pointed at a British person while laughing hysterically. Shalom. Here is what I found interesting today:

The next thing you know, they’ll be telling you (insert ironic analogy here).

I just felt a huge disruption in the Force. It was like a million souls screaming out and then being immediately extinguished.

1991: Year of Music in Review – Speaking of anguishing pain…

I don’t even like doing something that feels good for three years straight. At least I don’t lie to myself or others about it.