How Much is My Body Worth?
It’s quiz time! Since I once valued my body at $15 and a half-eaten pack of Menthos, I was drawn irresistibly to this quiz to find out if I have a future in body appraisal. Since I know that you want to know, let’s take the journey together, shall we?
1. Please choose the option that best describes your body type.
Several choices here, but since I am an American living in God’s America I chose Overweight.
2. How often do you smoke?
I have to assume they mean tobacco cigarettes. I’m forced to answer Regularly – Multiple Times a Day. If they were talking about other kinds of cigarettes I would have answered Regularly – Multiple Times a Day. Just kidding, Mom.
3. How often do you drink alcohol?
I don’t drink. Seriously. I was like Lindsay Lohan back in the day, washed up as an alcoholic before the age of 21. She stole my shtick.
4. Do you go tanning (either outdoors or in a bed)?
God made me promise that I would never remove my shirt in public, so the answer is no.
5. Choose the option that best describes your diet
High in fat, lots of junk and fried foods. When I lived in Memphis I felt like the fat kid in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I drank deep from the river of rancid frying oil and still do.
6. How tall are you?
Average Height. At least that’s what I tell myself.
7. Do you have any rare medical disorders, such as elephantitis?
I don’t have elephantitis, my penis really is that big. However, I do suffer from any number of rare and self-diagnosed maladies that cause me to call into work. At least when I am working…
8. Are you an albino?
I wish. Then I could call myself all kinds of cool nicknames like Albino Rhino and, well, I guess that’s it.
9. Do you have any kind of hindered mobility – such as having a prostethic limb or being paraplegic?
Not yet.
10. Have you ever had your appendix removed?
Despite what I have told previous employers, no.
11. Have you ever had a hernia?
See #10.
12. How is your vision?
Less than perfect. Despite this handicap I stubbornly sat in the back of the room in college because I know girls think that’s where all of the cool kids sit. It took me seven years to graduate.
13. How frequently do you take pain relievers such as advil, ibuprofen, or codeine?
Multiple Times a Week. I take them several times a day when I am actually in pain. I consider it practice for when I make it big as an artist.
14. Do you regularly drink beverages high in sugar, such as soda or energy drinks?
I only drink beverages high in sugar. Water? Not even when it’s the only thing available. Once I was trapped in the Southern Utah desert without anything to drink. I had to squeeze water from moss to get my tongue wet. I was peeing dust. It was then and there that I swore that if I ever got out of that situation I would only drink beverages I enjoy.
15. Do you work in an environment where you might be exposed to noxious chemicals, such as lead or asbestos? This includes those who work with ceramics, lead, or processed materials.
I worked at FedEx where I was exposed to noxious and dangerous substances for five years plus whatever chemical compound Al-Queda was shipping Priority Overnight. I might not work there anymore, but I do live in Southern California and I think that still counts. Yes.
16. Have you ever been prescribed any anti-psychotic medication, such as lithium or seroquel?
Not yet. Damn. Nirvana sang about lithium and that makes it something I want to be a part of my life. Plus, lithium is the lightest metal on the Table of Elements. Hey, you never know whenever you might need that kind of information.
17. Choose the option that best describes the hair on your head.
They don’t have “Balding” as an answer so vanity dictates that I choose Very Short Hair.
18. Have you ever had any serious surgery, such as heart or intestinal surgery?
No, but I do have a cadaver’s ligament in my right knee. I requested an African-American ligament, but I think they gave me something else because I still run SLOOOOOOW. Plus, I can’t dunk a basketball. Doctors are jerks.
19. How old are you?
26-40.
20. Are you diabetic?
No, despite all of my efforts.
How much is my cadaver worth?
To quote Jeff Spicolli, “Righteous Bucks!”
July 9, 2007 at 5:43 pm
Albino Rhino. hahaha!
July 10, 2007 at 6:29 pm
That picture of Cisco brings back memories.
F – Cisco thankfully was responsible for erasing memories in my experience….